12 October 2010

The Scream

When I look back it was the scream that confirmed to me that something was wrong and would never change. That trying would never be good enough.

Life is a trip. One moment it's spring and all of the seasons are spread before you. There's such an innocence to spring, a feeling of hope and the knowing that one can do anything they put their mind to. You jump in mud puddles just to see how it feels, you find a treasure trove of mosses in the woods and bring them home to plant in your "garden". You peak under last year's leaves looking for the signs that spring has arrived, hepaticas blooming, lady slippers poking their way through the earth. Spring seems never ending until you feel the heat and hear the scream.

Suddenly it's summer and the hints of warmth you felt in spring now surround you like a blanket. You're free of childhood, able to make decisions based on the heart. You can play grown up, drink coffee with your friends, start a family, go to college and plan for the future. You have all the time in the world to plant your gardens, mow your lawns, buy your house because after all this feeling will continue forever, right? Only until you suddenly hear the scream. Then innocence is gone.

It's autumn now, a time of preparing for falling leaves, hibernation and death of what was once so vibrant and alive. You think you're prepared for the losses as you've had so many fruitful days before. You know it can not last. Yet you hope to hang onto the leaves, the thick grasses of summer, the flowers and the gentle breezes. You hope that if you can only coddle life a little bit longer that you'll be able to hang on to it .... all the while ignoring the rising voices in the background.

So this is where I find myself, having survived illness and sad losses, having to regroup for the future and whatever it might hold. I've so enjoyed the newness of spring, the warmth of summer and even the changes of autumn. And from now on I'm going to ignore the scream

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